Having sex vs making love – is there really any difference? If there is a difference then why is it important and how does it effect the quality of your sexual experience? What defines that difference and how can this help you to be a better lover? Let’s explore the answers to these things together.
But first, here’s a question for you. Is it possible to make love without having sex? Another way of putting this would be – if you engage in foreplay with someone you love but don’t have sex with them, would you call that lovemaking? If you’re kissing each other passionately, caressing and fondling one another but don’t go “all the way” would you look back on that experience and say to yourself “we made love”?
I think you would agree with me that most people would not consider the above as lovemaking. They might think of it as “making out” or “French kissing” or something similar, but would be unlikely to call it “lovemaking” if it hadn’t led to sexual intercourse.
So then, let’s work on the premise that “lovemaking” for it to be called that, must involve sexual intercourse. So is there a difference between having sex vs making love? Many people who have “good sex” with someone, mistake it for being in love, but someone eventually decides that the person with whom they enjoyed it, is not the one they wish to spend the rest of their life with.
Speaking personally, I can remember someone with whom the physical chemistry was awesome. She was so sexy and felt so good – and she was a very passionate lover. She also said the same about me. But we are no longer together because we had too many differences in our respective ideas about what a relationship entails. But at the time, I thought I was in love.
My next relationship was with someone with whom the “physical stuff” was also good, but nowhere near as good as it was with the one before her. Yet because we thought alike, communicated well and had similar ideas about all the important things, the sex was so much more meaningful. There was more of it too! She was my first “soul mate” experience – and one which helped me see the difference between “good sex” and truly “making love”.
Sex vs Making Love – Getting What You Want
So are you getting what you really want? If you’re not, then how can you get it? Before these can be answered, we need to define the essential difference between having sex vs making love.
We all have a natural desire for physical contact with another person’s body. The more pleasurable this is, the more we like it and the better we feel. There doesn’t have to be any other purpose to it, other than feeling good. But if this is all that you want, then all the rubbing, kissing, touching, caressing, biting, sucking and coitus has but one purpose – arousal, self gratification, distraction from reality, comfort and relaxation.
“Sexual love” means that you see the person you’re doing it with, as an object to satisfy your appetite. While you’re engaged with each other in sensual foreplay, that person can seem like the most wonderful person in the world, but as soon as your appetite has been satisfied, your perception of them quickly changes. It’s like you’ve just eaten the most delicious ice cream and now you’re ready to throw the container away.
But having sex doesn’t have to be like that. Sex vs making love can be likened to good tasting junk food compared to great tasting nourishing food. For a couple in a committed love relationship, lovemaking can be a wonderfully bonding and selflessly giving experience. It can be the physical expression of the closeness and companionship that you both enjoy. 
Part of being in a monogamous relationship, involves mutual consent to give each other exclusive rights to the other’s body. Regular sex with the right person eventually becomes much more satisfying and meaningful than casual sex with multiple partners. This is because you get to know each others’ rhythm and responses and can adjust your own methods and techniques accordingly.
Your focus is also different. Instead of being primarily concerned about self gratification, you’re more interested in pleasing your partner. You do this because your partner means something to you and you want him or her to enjoy being with you. The joining together at the loins, of two bodies, becomes a symbolic expression of two lives, two hearts, that wish to be one. Lovemaking can even take on a romantic flavor if you wish. You might be married, but that doesn’t mean that romance should be forgotten. Combining lovemaking with romance can contribute towards making this area of your relationship part of a life long courtship.
